The Electronic Directory for People with Spinal Cord Injuries
"Because no one should cope with a Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) alone"
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The Electronic Directory for People with Spinal Cord Injuries "Because no one should cope with a Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) alone"
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What is love? Being disabled and Having A Relationship. By Leslie A. Johnson If you do a search on any search engine with any key words of “the disabled and relationships,” you will find many things. You will find people with disability afraid of being alone all their life and you will find people with a disability wandering why they cannot find a special someone when they do not look at them selves as special. With being special, I am not speaking of the disability; I am speaking of confidence and a state of being. I read stories of one person wondering why he or she cannot find a person, but refer to him or herself as a crippled or in every sentence being negative. Hmmm, I wonder why? I have heard stories of a person with a disability and the spouse leaving after 20 years of marriage. Another example is a person being married for 20 years and the person becomes disabled and the spouse leaves after the disability. Does the spouse have other factors than the disability, maybe, but what a huge coincidence? I have been through two marriages with both ending in a divorce and a custody battle. I have two sons, in which, I never see my first son, because of first wife alternative motives. For example, she told me one day, people in wheelchairs do not live long so you need Social Security, so when you die then your son can have disability off of yours. Wow, talking about putting me in the ground and throwing dirt on my casket! The second wife met an old “friend” off the Internet and took my son out of state and moved in with the guy, which my son had never met before. So, you ask yourself, why am I writing and sharing this information? The reason is either more people are getting married that is disabled or more people are getting divorced who are disabled. Look closely at that sentence, kind of a catch 22 or Murphy’s Law? Either way, society is becoming more aware of people with a disability and divorce. Can a person with a disability survive after a divorce? Of course! The person with a disability has already survived! The survival started when the person first became disabled and continues throughout his or her life. Survival does not stop after 6 months post injury or 20 years of the disability. Survival continues throughout a lifetime with a person with a disability. A divorce cannot stop a person from continue to live. Yes, I know, a person will go through depression or a grieving process, but grieving is normal. If depression deepens sadness within a person to a point with the depression affects everyday life, then the person needs to seek professional help. In my opinion, if a person with a disability goes through a divorce and depression does not lighten after a dark period, I would wonder if the person already had depression and maybe the depression was being oppressed in some way or the other. I have counseled many people with a disability and usually there was a hidden common factor with depression than the obvious. Love conquers all? I believe it depends on how a person defines love. Do you define love with a term of endearment? Do you define love with time, money, walking, or being attractive? Yes, you read that sentence right, I did throw in there in the middle of the sentence, walking! In my opinion, a person cannot define love because love involves too many things and each individual is different. Can a person with a disability find true love? Yes, but look deep inside yourself and define love. What is it that makes you happy? I will go out on a limb here and say happiness is a part of love. Remember in the first paragraph of this column, I wrote about people with a disability do not know why they cannot find love? Well, a person with a disability has to be positive and love him or herself. If you do not love yourself, than how can you love someone else? Going through a divorce or someone leaves, you are going to feel many emotions and feelings. How does a person with a disability get past the initial shock of divorce or somebody you love leaves? Each person is different and many might need professional help with the shock. Professional help can be useful and no shame in seeking assistance. I can give a person with a disability some tips that I have observed and used in my experience. Family cannot be overlooked when a person needs emotional support. In most cases, family is going to be there for you no matter what and family can give you the support. With a person with a disability, family support cannot be over emphasized or never over utilized. Another important aspect for a person with a disability to consider is not get too dependent on another person. A person with a disability must keep his or her independence. Being independent does not mean you give up your personal assistant and your PA not helping you with everyday needs. You have to draw a line between your significant other and your PA. Let us take this a bit further of being independent while in a relationship or marriage. If a person with a disability relies on the spouse or significant other for needs to give you the independent to live, then when they go, so does your independence. If you let your spouse do things for you and you become lazy, what are you going to do if this person leaves or God forbids dies? You have to keep your independence separate from the marriage and relationships. How will you get out of bed, bathe, get dressed, and eat? The more you do for yourself and continue, the better you will feel about yourself and have a positive image of yourself. I know there is one reader right now, saying my wife or significant other will never leave that or me will never happen to me! Did you say that when you observed someone with a disability before you became disabled? I did! My father was disabled and I can remember saying to my mother: I will never be disabled and my mother told me, never say never! Guess what, mom knows best. I became disabled at the age of sixteen and gone through two marriages. How does a person with a disability find a person to be with or how does a person with a disability attract the opposite sex? Attraction starts with you. If you are not positive about yourself, then you are sending messages to others that you are not happy and give into the stereotype of people with disabilities. Remember this if you do not remember anything else that I have written, do not settle! You have a disability, so what! Now, let me try to answer the question of what is love? Love is watching two people in older years still hold hands. Love is communication and being emotional. Love is a bond that cannot be broken. Love is what you make love to be! Send feedback about this article to Leslie A. Johnson, BSW - dadonwheels@ymail.com
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wheelchairnation@sc.rr.com
with questions or comments about this web site. Copyright © 2008 by WheelChair Nation All rights reserved
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Send e-mails
to
wheelchairnation@sc.rr.com
with questions or comments about this web site. Copyright © 2008 by WheelChair Nation. All rights reserved.
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